Extreme Prejudice: The Art of Finding Your Crew

This used to be much easier.  Back when mountain biking first came into being, there was really only one kind of bike, and one kind of outfit to wear while riding it (heavy rigid steel bike with fattish tires and stretchy roadie clothes, respectively).  Nowadays, we have approximately eleventy billion choices of mountain bikes and many different “kit” options to match.  NSMB did an excellent job of breaking down the basic rider types in this video, and the list is thus (Step 3, at 0:30):

Now, since nobody likes being categorized so impersonally, I shall further streamline the process by presenting an efficient series of questions to determine into what camp any given rider should be unceremoniously shunted.

Of course, when a mountain biker is in his or her natural environment (on the trail or in the trailhead parking lot) it is relatively easy to determine what kind of rider they are and whether or not it is safe to approach them as a kindred spirit.  The presence of fermented libations (aka beer), in particular, is an indication of acceptable association in almost all cases.

Beer, tutus, happy faces: it is probably safe to approach this crew.

However, when you encounter someone in street clothes who communicates, either directly or indirectly, that they ride a mountain bike, it is necessary to resist the urge to immediately bond over the connection. (You may rely on other cues to determine whether a cyclist is road-only.  A whiff of embrocation, an air of smug superiority, a doping charge, and a head injury from being hit by a texting vehicle operator are all reliable warning signs.)

NOPE.

Since there is no succinct answer to “what kind of rider are you?”, I have, through careful research, testing and observation, created a short list of questions that will allow anyone to find out whether it is appropriate to invite the person being questioned to go for a ride.  As we all know, the consequences of mingling with riders of incompatible disciplines and enthusiasm levels can be quite dire, ranging from boredom and ruined Strava segments to sheer terror and grievous bodily injury, so it is essential to use these questions before any invitation is extended so that disaster may be avoided.

1. What kind of bike do you ride?

This question is actually somewhat deceptive.  The answer does not automatically assign the subject to a given category.  The most ideal answer, of course, is any bike with 27.5” wheels with a minimum of 150mm of travel front and rear, because it tells you the rider has adequate equipment for anything between an epic trail ride or a day at the bike park. This person is also likely to be able to tell you in detail about all the components on his or her bike and provide recommendations on each. He or she is probably a wealth of information on the area trails from whence he or she came.

The Santa Cruz Nomad (2014 and newer) is an excellent example of an acceptable answer.

If the answer is “I dunno, I think it’s a Specialized”, then the questioning is done and you should not ride with this person. Someone who can’t be bothered to know the model of the bike they ride is also unlikely to wear a helmet less than 10 years old (if at all) or to carry appropriate tools or sustenance on a ride. Or they will do things like this:

If the answer is some kind of downhill bike with a production date within the last 4 years, this person will not be able to join you on trail rides, but will mostly likely be able to show you all the fun lines at the all the area lift-serviced bike parks.

If the answer is a specific kind of hardtail 29er, it is tempting to write the person off as a Trail Fred (aka a roadie who got talked into buying a mountain bike for cross-training), but wait.  I personally know a guy who absolutely shreds on a hardtail 29er and crushes gnarly downhills.  Therefore further questioning is required to truly pin down a potential riding buddy.

2. What kind of shorts do you wear?

If the answer to this is “roadie shorts,” and the answer to the previous question was “a hardtail 29er,” you are done.  This person thinks that climbs are more fun than descents and will therefore be a major drag to ride with.  Smile politely and tell them that you’re late for your underwater basketweaving lesson or whatever, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! 

If the answer is some equivalent of “baggies,” you are in the clear.

Like these.

This does not guarantee that this person is a suitable riding companion, but it does mean that you won’t end up seeing their asscrack, or the very clear outline of their junk, or waaaaay too much hairy man-thigh.

Don't look too close.  Just trust me that that's a clearly visible ass crack in the background

These two questions should significantly aid in identifying those that will make good crew members, but if you are having trouble there are a few more follow-up queries you can use:

3. What kind of socks do you wear?

Only acceptable answer: Awesome socks.

#grumpypurpleowlsocks

4. What is your favorite trail?

Acceptable answers: Doctor Park, Lithium, Amasa/Ahab, The Whole Enchilada, Kennebec Pass, or a trail of similar excellence.

Badass ladyshred crew at the top of The Whole Enchilada

      5.  Do you dance party?

Acceptable answer: Of course. At every possible opportunity. Preferably with glow sticks.

Photo by Eric Rasmussen

      6. Safety what?

Acceptable answer: Third.  After looking good and having fun.

Photo by Yann Ropars

So there you have it.  No longer fear that you will waste a perfectly good Saturday riding in a place or at a pace that does not make you deliriously happy!  Unending two-wheeled joy is yours: go and get it!

Obviously, this treatise is meant to be purely entertaining and not at all judgmental. I support all bicycle-based pursuits and I’m happy to ride with anyone who wants themselves and everybody else to have a great time on a bike.  The more cyclists we’ve got out there, regardless of equipment, the better it is for the whole of humanity.  #getrowdie!